Machete Kills (2013) Review

The first film was in that category of its cheesy and totally grindhouse mad and whilst both of those apply to this there is also a lot WHAT?!  Going on that makes this more of an “it’s so bad its good” category which is fine as well if you are in the mood for it. I still had a really good laugh watching it and if you have friends who don’t mind the first film then you will have a ball! This is going to be a short review because the only way I can really describe this film is how I’d say never to make a film. I’ll go into much more detail below but for now bookmark this if you are waiting to see the film, leave any comments below, if you have seen the film then check out the spoiler sections and I will look forward to hearing everyone’s thoughts.

“Machete don’t tweet.” Loves him some helicopter kills though!



In MACHETE KILLS, Danny Trejo returns as ex-Federale agent MACHETE, who is recruited by the President of the United States for a mission which would be impossible for any mortal man – he must take down a madman revolutionary and an eccentric billionaire arms dealer who has hatched a plan to spread war and anarchy across the planet.

Tim’s Film Reviews Maybe Recommended

Story: 22%     Acting: 10%     Characters: 15%     Dialogue: 05%

Action/Grind: 60%     Style/Sound: 50%     Visuals: 05%

Total: 23%


The story is all over the place and for the second half it is trying to set up an even crazier sequel that I am ashamed to say I will be watching if it gets made. There where so many characters and they all had so little screen time that I just saw boring blurs pass the screen. Sofía Vergara as a Dominatrix = Yes! Nobody even tries to act in this film so it’s not worth mentioning. It’s like Rodrigues is giving the cast charity their so bad!  


The action is quite fun when it’s on screen which compared to the first films isn’t actually that much. A lot of the film is somehow talking and traveling in cars. COME ON MACHETE! Show us how many times you can kill henchmen with their own intestines; it’s what I pay for! He does kill two using separate helicopter and a mind boggling scene near the end where he literally jumps onto a operating helicopter blade and uses the machete to kill about twenty men, nothing makes you laugh harder than seeing that trust me.



Don’t forget my trailer review.

The best reviews I found would be these:

“Not bad if you’re in just the right mood for guns, girls and glory all in one simple, cartoonish and outrageously campy package.” Digital Shortbread. Full Review

“While MACHETE KILLS is more in line with the over the top nature that inherent with the character (and was hinted at in the original mock trailer in GRINDHOUSE), the movie still feels like a slapdash and amateurish effort in terms of its script. Pure silliness is fun but it is not enough to carry a movie.” It’s Latin for Cookies. Full Review


My favourite scene would have to be the helicopter spinning with him on top killing people with his machete, it made zero sense and I loved it!


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About Tim The Film Guy

Very opinionated about films!

21 responses to “Machete Kills (2013) Review”

  1. Jamie S. says :

    I never would have thought that a plot this stupid might be so entertaining! Trejo’s face looks like a battlefield and he’s capable of only one expression, but it works perfectly!


  2. table9mutant says :

    Nice review. 23%?! Bloody hell – this sounds shit. Oh well – not seen the first one anyway. 🙂


  3. Hypersonic55 says :

    Evening Tim, I am fairly late on commenting on your review but I’ve been playing catch up with everyone on WordPress for days now. Like you being a 3rd year uni studio is eating away at my free time. But anyways pretty accurate review, this film is pretty absurd but its the kind of ridiculous shit that I need a fix of every once in a blue moon and while I don’t think its as fun as the first, its definitely worth a watch if its your cup of tea.

    My favourite scene would be that bit when Machete pushes that guy out in the wheelchair and he gets shot to pieces and then gets blown up with a missile, I mean what the actual fuck!?! That was frigging hilarious but random as hell!


  4. Victor De Leon says :

    Nice review, Tim! I didn’t like the first “Machete” and I just watched and reviewed “Dead in Tombstone” so I’m on a Trejo hiatus. 🙂


  5. theipc says :

    I’m also looking forward to this – with NO expectations…


  6. ckckred says :

    Nice review. The trailers left a sour taste in my mouth.


  7. Tom says :

    Appreciate the link man, what a goofy thing this was! And I would have to mostly agree with your review here man, except I’d have to boost your Scenery score to a 20/25% because of the ladies involved. Can’t forget that!!! 😉


  8. CMrok93 says :

    Good review Tim. Over-the-top and nuts, but also fun in the type of way that we have come to expect from Rodriguez.


  9. Parlor of Horror says :

    Kinda’ like Rose McGowen in Planet Terror with the machine gun leg, how does she pull the trigger? by mental telepathy? Yeah, it don’t make sense and has no continuity or basis in reality but it was fun to watch. Haven’t seen this yet but I’m sure it’s the same. If you watch some of the true grindhouse films from the 1970’s, they are the same way (even the Bruce Lee kung-fu films). The difference is some of those films are unwatchable but Machete’s both films are fun to watch, as long as you don’t think too hard 😉


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